Hopeless Insanity
by Rachynn
Summary: [Complete][InuKag]Was I wrong to want you, Inuyasha? Was I wrong to want to love you?
1. Want

**Want**  
By: Rachynn  
Standard Disclaimers Apply

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Looking back on that time, she now realized that she wanted everything. She wanted peace, happiness and the best of both worlds. Most of all, she wanted _him_. Could anyone really fault her for wanting what was best for everyone in the long run?

Of course, in the end, she did get everything she wanted. The enemy was eventually defeated and everyone was able to go on living happily. Life balanced out between the present and the past. She finally had him, fully and completely.

There was nothing wrong with wanting it, right? It wasn't like she wanted great and terrible things. No, what she wanted was for the good of them all.

Why did she feel so empty and alone inside if she had got the things she wanted?

In the house he built for her, in the bedroom that they shared, they lay together under the covers. His head rested on her shoulder, his warm breath tickling her bare skin. His silver hair covered them both like a blanket, and she wound her hands through it, holding on to him like he was her anchor. Her eyes stared up to the dark, wooden ceiling. Through the uncovered window the stars twinkled, laughing at her.

What about everyone else? Did they get what they wanted?

She saw him sometimes, staring off into space. It almost killed her to not be able to know what he was thinking about then. Was he thinking about her?

Everyone else seemed happy enough, but were they really?

Had she just been selfish all along?

The thoughts that swirled around in her head were not unlike the many she had been having lately. Maybe what she had wanted and what she had gotten hadn't necessarily been what was best?

He still loved her right? Only her?

Small tears began to prick at her eyes, the only outward sign of her inner confusion. Unconsciously, she tightened her grip on his hair, never wanting to let him go.

Want. Want. I want. I want… I don't want… Want.

She had always been the confident one, the optimistic one. She wasn't supposed to doubt him. How could she doubt him, after all the ways he proved his love to her?

Slowly, he roused himself, both the tightening grip on his hair and the scent of her tears preventing him from staying in wondrous dream land. He raised his head so that he was staring into her glossy eyes, the star light reflecting of the teary sheen.

"What's wrong?" he whispered, tired and confused.

She was silent. The silence allowed his eyes to adjust to the darkness, and he noted how red and swollen her face was, how her mouth was opening in a small 'o' shape.

"Was I wrong, Inuyasha?" she whispered quietly.

"What?" he yawn, shaking his head. What was she going on about? Was she wrong about what?

"Was I wrong to want you Inuyasha? Was I wrong to love you?"

Her voice faded on the air and Inuyasha stared in silence at his tormented wife, at a loss for words.

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**A/N:** I doubt that this is a oneshot, the next chapter will probably be from Inuyasha POV. I've confused myself with this fic, which didn't happen until the fifth or sixth chapters with all my other fics. Yes, if your confused, YOU'RE NOT ALONE. Hopefully, it will start to make more sense later on.

Happy New Years


	2. Need

**Need**  
By: Rachynn  
Standard Disclaimer Apply

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How was he supposed to answer a question like that?

_"Was I wrong to want you Inuyasha? Was I wrong to love you?"_

"Why would you think that?" he asked sleepily, looking down at her, lying in his arms. It was too early for his brain to function like this, but damned if he wouldn't try. He _hated_ it when she cried. It felt as though his own heart would break, just because she was wasn't happy.

She didn't say anything at first, only stared off into the ceiling. He rested his head back on her shoulder and waited. Over the years, he had gotten very good at waiting for her.

"Are you happy, Inuyasha? Are you happy here, with me?"

"I don't know what I would do with myself if you weren't with me. I need you."

"Do you love me?" she snapped, almost impatiently. He was slightly taken aback and frowned, hoping she couldn't see it in the dark.

Without answering, he shifted so that his arms were supporting him and he could stare down at her. He saw her dark hair flung out across the pillow. He saw her lips, full and red, tightly closed. He saw her pale face, a sharp contrast to her bright blue eyes.

He kissed her.

"I love you Kagome."

He hope to God that his actions would re-inforce his words.

---

**A/N: **I do believe this is the shortest chapter I've ever written. Yay. It's midnight and I have to get up in 5 hours. Must sleep…. Enjoy.


	3. Lies

**Lies**  
By: Rachynn  
Standard Disclaimers Apply.

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She could feel it in his kiss, and he was lying through his teeth. His kiss was that of a desperate man, trying to prove something.

If he loved her, he would have nothing to prove.

Abruptly, she pushed him away, their lips breaking contact.

"Don't lie to me!" she whispered.

His mouth dropped, his lower jaw hanging in the air. She could see the disbelief in his eyes. His eyes drooped slightly on top of his head.

"What are you talking about? I'm not lying!" he protested, his hand going out to her shoulder. She patted it away.

"I can feel it Inuyasha! I can feel it when you kiss me, when you touch me. You don't love me." She could feel the hot trail of the tear escaping down her cheek.

"You're not making any sense Kagome."

"Yes I am!" her voice rose to a yell.

"Calm down…" he tried to calm her, but she ignored him.

"No! I wanted everything! I wanted to be happy, I wanted peace, and I wanted to be loved!" her voice went quite for a moment, as if contemplating what to say next. "How could I ever think that I would actually have everything? I'm so selfish." she whispered, thankfully much quieter. She brought her hands to cover her face so that he couldn't see her looking so weak. She brought her hands to cover her face so that she didn't have to see him, because seeing him was making her weak.

Through the corner of her eye, uncovered by her hand, she saw his arm coming for her in a failed attempt to calm her. She dodged it, wanting no part of him in her angry stupor.

"You're not selfish Kagome." She heard him say. "You're human, all humans want things."

"But Inuyasha, why would _I_ get everything I want? Why would I be so lucky? Nothing is a fairy tale happy ending. It doesn't happen! You don't love me, stop lying!"

He was honestly at a loss of what to say and she could see it. Eventually he spoke, his voice cracking.

"I think… Kagome… that you should talk to someone, because I love you _so much_ and seeing you like this and hearing you say those things is making my heart break."

"You think you love me Inuyasha, but you don't. You just tell yourself that!"

Before she could do anything, he grabbed her shoulders and dragged her down to the bed so that she was lying underneath him. He was quick when he wanted to be, she'd give him that. Kagome tried to fight, thrashing widely and kicking him, but he held her fast. He was scared to ever let her go.

"Stop fighting me Kagome."

She heard the pain in his voice and for a small moment, she felt sorry for him.

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**A/N:** Finally, a longer chapter. I was pleasantly surprised at the amount of reviews the last chapter got me. I was staring at my computer the next morning with wide eyes and mouth hanging open. It was strange. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

I like writing this fic now… It may not make sense, but I'm having fun:P Sadly it will probably only be a few more chapters. If I wasn't so damn lazy, this could have been a oneshot. Oh ya, totally.

P.S: This is probably the last name change I'm going to make to the fic. YAY. Peace out!


	4. Truth

**Truth**  
By: Rachynn  
Standard Disclaimers Apply

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TYPO: In the last chapter, on the fifth line down, in the last sentence, it's not supposed to say 'eyes'. It's supposed to say 'ears'. Sorry, I wasn't paying attention.

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Eventually, when he refused to let her go, she calmed down. He waited until her breathing became soft and regulated before allowing himself to relax.

It had been like this every other night for weeks. She would lay awake at night telling herself those horrible things. He only had a tiny inkling as to where her dark thoughts were coming from and that fact was driving him to insanity.

He wanted his happy, cheerful Kagome back. He wanted the Kagome who smiled at him, and encouraged him. He wanted the Kagome he married to come back to him.

"I don't know why you don't believe me" he whispered into her ear.

"Why would I marry someone I didn't love? Why would I live with someone I didn't love? Why would I protect you with my life if I didn't love you?"

He received no answer from her. In truth, he didn't want to hear the kind of answer she may have given him.

There was a part of him that wanted to see her happy all the time. So eventually, when he fell asleep, he made sure his arms weren't quite so tight around her form.

When he woke up in the morning, he wasn't at all surprised to find her gone.


	5. Death

**Death**  
By: Rachynn  
Standard Disclaimers Apply

* * *

She knew it was useless to run. If anyone was following her, they would have no trouble catching her as she tried to make her way over the overgrown path. So she walked and took her time. If she was supposed to get caught, she would get caught.

There was no fighting fate.

The sun was barely rising in the distance. Streaks of purples and pinks wove their way about the slowly brightening sky. The path was dark, but she had been this was so many times, she was sure that she could walk it without any vision whatsoever.

Kagome had awakened to Inuyasha breathing softly. She gently tried to nudge his arm away, and to her surprise it fell away immediately. Usually he had a tight grip on her, like a dragon guarding its most precious treasure.

Quietly she slipped out of their bed, taking the utmost care not to wake her slumbering husband. She threw on a warm sweater and with no look back, she bolted from their house.

Now she walked alone with her thoughts in the cool, dewy air.

She hated going to the small shrine that they had built months ago. It reminded her of how weak she had been then, of the person she let down the most, and it drove in the reason why Inuyasha wouldn't ever truly love her. This was the memorial to the first time in her life she didn't get what she wanted most.

She still went often though. When the voice in her head got too strong, she could escape to the shrine. She liked to think that spirit that rested in the pile of rocks and flowers took pity on her and chased away the voices so she could have a moment of peace. Though whenever she left, they would tell her she was lying to herself.

That spirit had no reason to take pity on her.

With a sigh of relief she fell onto the grass in front of the memorial. She had made it here, and Inuyasha wasn't chasing after her. She sat still for a moment, and then reached out her hand to stroke the tiny grave stone. The white flowers that were there the last time still lay before the rocks. She didn't put them there, she never left an offering. She never did wonder who else came here though.

"Hello, dear." She said softly, as though talking was something forbidden. "I'm being selfish again. However, I find talking to you… when I talk to you, I sometimes feel better about myself. I'm sorry."

A soft breeze blew through the area. Her hair lifted and danced on the wind. With sad blue eyes, Kagome traced her finger down the name carved into the rock.

"Soon, you'll be happy though. Mummy probably won't be coming here that often any more, because she's going away. While I'm gone, please, look after your father. I don't think he'll understand, so… please… this is the last thing I'll ever want for myself."

Her hand fell away, back to her side.

"Goodbye Baby."

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**_A/N:_** So yesh, a _longer_ update here.

I'm thinking that this fic jumps around to much, and so in fear of contradicting myself (though I probably already have) the next chapter will probably be the last.

Looking on this chapter though, one thing comes to mind.

Why are my stories so _EMO_?

Anywho. THANKS FOR REVIEWS!!! hugs for all. Unless you don't like hugs. Then you can have a handshake and some pocky.


	6. Forgiveness

**Forgiveness**  
By: Rachynn  
Standard Disclaimers Apply.

---

She drown herself in the flickering lights on the edge of her vision. The dew was soaking through her clothes as she lay on the bed of grass. Her hands clutched the green grass under her, her last anchor to this world. She saw only the sky, in its tapestry of colour.

Soon she would be at peace. Finally, she might be able to have the last thing she wanted.

---

He knew where she went without even having to guess. So now, he too walked that path to that shrine. There was quickness in his step that Kagome didn't have when she came down this path, long moments ago.

Part of him dreaded what he would find there. The other part was curious. Would they finally find the end at that place?

He arrived there with nothing to draw attention to him. There was no sound in his footsteps, no rustle in movements. He regarded the small stone with sadness in his eyes. The white lilies still lay where he left them the last time he had visited.

He didn't see Kagome immediately. Instead he opted to step towards the stone.

"Baby, have you seen your mommy? I'm a little worried about her."

There was no answer, just the distant chirping of birds.

---

If she had been stronger, her baby might have lived. If she had been a better person, she might have made a better mother.

No, she failed her baby. It never got a chance at life, and she was the only one to blame. She should have been more careful.

"I'm sorry."

---

The wind blew. Though it was a small breeze, it moved quickly through the trees towards the place it was needed most. It ducked and caressed the cheek of the mother before moving on to fan the face of the father. Then it stopped its small job complete. The air dissipated and settled in the place, waiting.

---

"Kagome."

He found her lying on the grass some yards away from the stone and now he stood over her. Her eyes were squeezed shut, and leaves were blended into her hair. With the paleness of her face, and the emotion that she emitted, he truly felt like he was witnessing something special.

She slowly opened her eyes and stared at him. She had expected him to come. He was dependable like that.

"Have you come to take me home?"

He shook his head.

"You can stay here as long as you like. I just have something to say."

She opened her mouth, but closed it again. For a moment they stared into each other's eyes, gold locked on blue.

"I don't blame you."

"Ye--"

He cut her off.

"DON'T tell me what I feel and what I don't feel. I am the only one who can decide that and I'm telling you that it's NOT your fault and that I don't blame you. I love you Kagome and it's tearing me apart to see you like this. My only wish in this life is to see you happy again."

Slowly, she released her death grasp on the grass and moved her hand so that it was holding her stomach. "You don't blame me?"

He shook his head.

"Now, you can stay here and wallow in self pity, or you can come home to friends and a husband who don't hold you responsible for anything and miss you dearly." Pause. "That's all I have to say."

He turned and he left.

---

So he didn't blame her. She lost the baby and he didn't blame her.

Somewhere deep in her heart, she knew this, but refused to consider it. Maybe he could still love her.

Because what she wanted more than anything, was his love.

---

"Do you blame me baby?"

There was no answer, but inside, she felt a sense of calm, a sense of peace.

"Then, maybe, it's time to go home."

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**A/N:** Well I hope you enjoyed that. I do believe it's one of my 'why-are-you-writing-something-that-doesn't-make-sense-this-late-at-night' fics. So yes. This fic is over, that was the last chapter. I don't like it, but that's just me. I hope the ending was ambiguous, so you can decide for yourself weather or not she actually returns to Inuyasha and forgives herself or just goes on lying in the clearing until she eventually fades away. Haha Drama. Anywho, anyone who reads and reviews this fic has my eternal gratitude and thanks. I heart you all.

Goodbye.


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